It’s gotten to the point where I don’t save phone numbers as contacts anymore. When I meet someone and we hang out I don’t take pictures—and I love pictures with all my heart. I like having memories. When I go to sleep at night I don’t even put my phone on the charger anymore; sometimes I wake up with a dead phone in the morning. I hate to look back at pictures in a year or two or look back at pictures and think “damn what happened to so and so.” Some friends reach out every six to eight months or so to check in, sometimes longer—it’s always a text message and I have to compile my whole life in a few lines only to be left on read and wash and repeat. No call, just a “I thought of you today” text and then being left on read when I reply. People tell you “just put yourself out there.” I hate hearing that statement. I’m looking at my phone right now and multiple people who have left me on read multiple times, I found them from putting myself out there. People who take ten days to reply, sometimes months and sometimes they don’t reply at all. Yet, if I reach out to them they’ll text me back in two seconds—two seconds?!?! Yet, sometimes I still feel like maybe it’s me maybe I am just not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough, not a good friend. Maybe I just don’t have enough money, maybe I wasn’t vulnerable enough or I said the wrong thing to be a priority to anyone. Then I say well maybe I’m not vocal enough, maybe I’m not asking for what I need, maybe, it’s something I did. I missed their birthday. It’s me. I just need show up better, do more. I don’t feel this way anymore but when it’s mutiple people it makes you question yourself.
These aren’t just people. I’ve been vulnerable with them, I’ve cried to them and shared openly with them—they know my secrets and my traumas. I have told them verbatim that my birthday is important to me. I’ve expressed my feelings. I’ve showed out for their birthdays, I’ve cooked for them, I’ve comforted them when they cried. I laughed with them, celebrated their wins. Sometimes it’s hard to not think “well damn maybe I’m the problem”, “well maybe I just don’t deserve people who prioritize me—who call me first.” People who show up for my birthday or at least remember my birthday. Then I get really mad with anger—sometimes rage. I say well FUCK EVERYBODY, they got me fucked up and I begin to self-isolate and then I’m by myself again no closer to getting my needs for friendship and companionship met. At times I feel like a beggar on the street “will do anything for a phone call or a reply back.”, begging people in the life to feel special. Yet, I’m still expected to show up for their birthdays, I’m still expected to come to the family reunion. I’m still expected to be empathic and compassionate. To be there when times get tough, to fall into a “role.” When I disappear into the void, no one comes to get me. They don’t search for me or reach out for me. They don’t ask if I need anything they just assume that I don’t need anything at all. Once I stopped putting in the effort suprise there was no relationship.
Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learned in my long-term relationships with women.
—Dolly Alderton
You know, I’ve grown to appreciate the solitude. If no one prioritizes me it’s like an extended vacation. I don’t have to show up for shit or do shit. That worked for a while. There is just so much shit I won’t put up with because I know I’m a good ass friend. Once someone makes me feel unprioritized I can promise you that they will never hear from me again—EVER. You are not too busy or so overwhelmed with life to reach out to the people that you care about, save the bullshit excuses for someone else. I don’t wanna hear your excuses about capitalism and facism and the state of the world. People will make time if it’s important to them. Bitches will go all out for their man who doesn’t give a fuck about them but they will forget their friends birthday. Male-centered women are the worst friends, I MEANT WHAT I SAID AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN. I personally put romantic and platonic relationships at the same level. While, I understand needing your partner and getting things from your partner that you could not get from a friend. I understand that society places emphasis on the nuclear family but don’t be friends with me. I am not a surrogate partner nor am I a friend you can drop when you get a man and then come back when y’all break up. So many of you bitches are users. I take friendship very seriously. Friendship is sacred to me. You bitches are friends for an aesthetic and to attract men at bars, so you can get free drinks. You bitches will gaslight when I express myself and act like I’m doing too much. I only want friends who match my values, who are giving and loving—who pour into their friends. Friends are chosen family to me, not temporary placeholders until I find new friends or get a man and start acting different. This is why I’m very picky with who I allow in my life now.
I am at an age where I understand maturity. I understand that people have kids, jobs, dying parents, issues, trauma, everything. When does maturity mean accepting people playing in your face? When does maturity mean accepting the bare minimum? Maybe I do need to put myself out there more but there’s just a feeling that it’s not really worth it at times. People are so easy to ghost you or cut you off without even communicating. Grown ass people who don’t know how to communicate. I have had some of the worst friendship breakups—they hurt worse than any man who has ever hurt me. People I trusted, people who I did everything for, people who I would have did anything for. This generation does not value people and yet they love their favorite celebrity more than a real person. A lot of women’s friendship are based on competition, y’all weird as hell. A lot of women are in secret competition with you and you don’t even know. I remember years ago, I had a friend and I didn’t know she was in competition with me for this guy. I didn’t even know all this—I was the last to find out. I had friends tell me that “I’m have too many issues.” People who tallied everything I did wrong but never spoke to me directly. Never gave me the chance to explain myself or correct my mistakes. People who asked “why did I get so upset when they never answered their phone? Why am I trippin?”
I’m not hurt, I am sober. I get it know. I’ve learned to be more discerning. I went from having frenemies to having friends that truly love me. I know this generation barely values themselves, so I’m looking for unicorns at this point. With maturity, I learned to put people in their specific category: peer, classmate, neighbor, roommate, associate, acquaintance, co-worker, lady from cycle class, and so on and so forth. I just wish to have some real friends come to me. I wanna play uno and spades and cuss each other out in jest. I want to stay up late and talk about shit. I wanna laugh until I stomach hurts. I want to bond and watch movies. I want to go out to lunch and catch up on our lives. People get to grown and think certain things are not fun. I want to say “I got this, I’ll take care of the check,” and know that I won’t have to add up all the times I did that and they did not reciprocate. That’s why I stopped moving transactionally in relationships, if I have to think about all the things I did for you then I did too much! Sometimes it’s no malice in the friendship but it’s no depth either. Sometimes that the worst kind of friendship just so surface level and you cannot even pinpoint what the problem is. I get it not every relationship needs to be deep but when every relationship is shallow you start to feel that shit. You start feeling like “okay what am I doing wrong here?”
High on valuing mutual efforts this year, dropping off everything that feels one-sided whether its relationships or friendships.
I am to the point where I am not desperate for friendships or even a romantic relationship anymore. I will not put up with anymore “thought of you today—and silence.” No more “check in” friendships. No more reply in two seconds but never reaches out. I will like the Bible says “left the dead bury the dead.” I don’t play with ghost. My self-esteem has gotten higher and my standards have gotten stricter ever since I realized that I do not have to put up with anybodies shit. I am very selective with who I let in my life. I am doing the picking and choosing—even if that means choosing myself and being alone. As I said friendships are sacred to me. I do not use that term “friend” lightly. There’s so many things I can say about friendships but a lot of the trauma is from my past. In my present, I’ve been cultivating a better relationship with myself first and foremost. So far, I have like a few acquaintances that I can truly count on. I also personally think that real people have only a few friends anyways. You cannot be a friend to everyone. The relationships I’m cultivating in my present are with people who have integrity, they are giving, they listen without judgment, they support me and celebrate me. I feel safe telling them personal stuff without it begin thrown back into my face. They communicate and so far they are teaching me that what I’m looking for is out there.
Also a disclaimer since people like to misinterpret. I am usually a medium maintenance friend. I do think that ALL RELATIONSHIPS take effort and work to sustain them. I like to give people space because I also like space. I respect people’s boundaries. I give so much grace but never take my kindness for weakness or insecurity. I’m also mature enough to know that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. You may fall out of compatibility with friends or you may be in different phases of your life. I speaking specifically about people who don’t think that friendships don’t take any work or they can just come through like a revolving door.
I am not afraid to say I need a little more. I just want people who are going to match my level of depth and loyalty. I really do not think being a friend is that hard and people make it more difficult because it’s not what they value.
Talk to you in the next one,
With Love, Deziré
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Not one lie told in the whole piece. Making friends in today’s world is so hard. I miss the days of hanging out every single day in the row, only being apart to sleep at home, and then get back together the next day.
Look, I get how you feel, and I greatly understand your emotions and valid feelings on the subject.
But this topic is just too nuanced to look at with such an absolute take on it.
From my experience, it's hard to maintain so many relationships, your own life, your work life, your goals, and more, all at once. Quite often, you cycle through close relationships. Maybe for 6 months you are super close with this one friend, and then the next couple months, you are spending lots of time with another friend, and then you go and see someone you haven't seen in years, and you bond for a week or two, and then you start spending more time with your brother.
I guess what I'm saying is, besides you, all those other people have their own multitude of relationships they have to maintain, and life just doesn't allow us to have the same level of intimacy and closeness in all of our relationships, all of the time.
Being a check-in friend isn't bad, and it's always better in my opinion than being no friend at all. Burning bridges is the nuclear option, because you never know when a check-in friend will cycle back to a close friend during an important time of your life.
Maybe this is different for people that feel like they don't have enough connections, or not the type of connections they want. Just my own experience talking here.